The 4 Relational Styles

As humans, we have certain styles of how we relate with each other. These styles encompass the tones we use, the words we say, the behaviors we exhibit, and even how we think of ourselves and others in the context of those relationships. There are 4 different relational styles: dependent, codependent, independent, and interdependent.

As you’ll soon find out, some of these styles are healthier than others. The reality is that most of us are not going to fall under just one; rather, we tend to fall into different styles based on the situation. Let’s go one by one. 

Dependent

This style is much like it sounds. The dependent relational style involves someone relying upon something outside of self, such as another person or group of people, to feel secure in the world. Think of addiction, which is a form of dependency. In this type of dependency, an addict is reliant upon whatever substance or process they are addicted to. Similarly, someone with a dependent relational style is reliant on a person or group of people in order to feel “ok.” There is a lot of perceived need in this style, and the dependency is never fully satisfied because it is an external focus of control. Because of this, the “dependent” person is constantly seeking approval, recognition, and fulfillment from others.

As you may have guessed, being dependent in relationships as a fully functional adult is not a healthy way of relating to others. It is important to know, however, that we are all fully dependent on others in early childhood. This is a necessary part of our growth. As we grow out of childhood and into adolescence, it is important that we begin to shed this relational style through healthy self-development. Generally speaking, some form of trauma at an early age contributes to if not completely creates the dependent relational style as it is seen later in life. 

Codependent

People who fall into this style are not fully dependent; rather, it’s more of an “I need you to need me” situation. This is more subtle than the dependent style and often more difficult to notice. Society has a way of promoting codependency in certain ways, taking for instance the concept of “being nice,” which is ultimately a call to codependent behavior. (See Don’t Be Nice, Be Kind)

Codependency can show up in all types of relationships, and it is especially prevalent in romantic ones. You may have heard of the archetype in which the narcissist is self-absorbed and controlling, and the codependent is somewhat hopelessly trying to please them and keep them happy to feel needed. (See Are You a Narcissist? and Empath or Codependent?) Codependency can be present in a person to different degrees, as can each of these styles. The key here is that in a codependent relationship, there is not a fully authentic two-way connection. It becomes more of one individual indirectly and persistently driving their perspective onto the other person, creating a need that seemingly never gets met. Codependency generally originates from a conditional withholding of attention that leaves a child with a sense of not feeling seen, heard trusted, or Loved. 

Independent

Someone who is independent in their relationships seemingly doesn’t need anyone or anything. They are self-sufficient and self-sustaining. The independent individual is responsible and accountable for their own actions and outcomes. This is the positive aspect of the independent style. The darker side of this is that when someone is too independent, they tend to neglect social interaction and don’t get the human connection they need for a truly fulfilling life. 

If we’re not connecting as social beings, we lose one of the greatest gifts we have. Independence often comes about from previous relational difficulties, in which the individual learns that it is “better” to be off on his or her own. Phrases like “if you want to get it done right, do it yourself” are very reflective of this style and the mentality behind it. Social anxiety and other relational struggles can contribute to the tendency toward an independent style.

Interdependent

This is the ultimate relational style. If I am interdependent, I am free to be me, and you are free to be you. We are able to collaborate, connect and support each other, and share in conversation and experiences without falling into dependency or codependency while maintaining healthy amounts of social connection. Interdependence is truly the ideal when it comes to human relationships. 

The reality, however, is that most humans are not strictly interdependent across all of their relationships. Our relational styles are informed and influenced by external circumstances and others’ attitudes and behaviors in our emotional development through childhood and adolescence, as well as our past experiences with similar situations. The key, as we’ll go over in the next section, is to develop a greater understanding and awareness of which relational styles you exhibit in certain relationships, and how you might shift those as needed.

Developing Awareness

The 4 relational styles are different stages of social and personal growth, going from dependency all the way through to interdependence. As stated earlier, we all start in a dependent state. We then start to grow out of that dependency into more of a codependency with parents and caregivers. (This form of codependency is not the narcissist/codependent archetype, and is actually healthy and age-appropriate). From there, we begin to pride ourselves on self-sufficiency and independence. At a certain point, we are able to demonstrate healthy interdependence with peers and adults as well.

As adults, we often see people demonstrating traits of two or three of these styles in their different relationships. We can show up in different types of relationships in different ways and with different styles, and each relationship is not necessarily strictly one style. As we established, interdependence is the clear winner in terms of the emotional health and fulfillment of the relationship. That said, we know that not everyone is interdependent all the time. The reality is that we dip into other relational styles throughout our lives. (And many people can remain mostly in the codependent or independent styles across their lifespan unwittingly.)

The most important thing is to begin to develop an understanding of the relational styles you tend to exhibit in your relationships. Observe any patterns you see, and tune into the cues and types of relationships that trigger certain styles in you. A person may tend toward codependency with family, and then be largely interdependent with coworkers, for example. As you gain a greater understanding and awareness of your relational styles, you can make adjustments as necessary and move toward healthier relationships with others. (And with yourself, too!) I encourage you to give this some thought over the next week and see what patterns you observe. As always, feel free to send over your thoughts to me at connect@noelneu.com. 

Much Love,
Noel Neu, The Songwriting Therapist™