Safety vs. Security

There is safety, and then there is security. What is the difference between the two? They often seem to go together, as you hear in the phrase, “safe and secure.” They’re definitely related, and yet they don’t mean the same thing. I was recently giving some thought to this, and then it hit me: safety is for the moment, and security is for the future.

If you’re physically not in harm’s way, you have food, water, clothing, shelter, and a few positive social connections, you are quite safe in this moment. The truth is that many people in developed countries possess those qualifications, and yet they may still feel insecure in their lives. How could this be? It’s because they’re taking themselves out of their present safety and placing themselves into future uncertainty. 

It is indeed this preoccupation with “securing” safety in the future that brings people the feelings of insecurity. Likewise, it is the perceived need for security that leaves them in a state of anxiety and panic. As with most things in life, the more tightly we grip onto the things we think we need, the more distressed about those things we become and our experience becomes one of worry.

This is not to say that security is all bad. Security is necessary in our lives up to a certain point. It is important to take action toward maintaining our safety and setting up our lives in such a way that we have confidence in our futures. Pursuing financial security, for instance, might look like investing and diversifying your assets to perform well in all markets. Pursuing food security might look like having a stock of canned goods stored in the pantry, with a freezer packed full of frozen goods. We can take mindful approaches toward security in any area in life.

What I’m mainly talking about here, however, is the unhealthy side of “security.” I’m talking about the “need” to feel secure and the fixation on having the future be perfect and predictable. Reality has it that the future will never be perfect or predictable. We are at its mercy, and that realization is humbling. When we surrender to the universe in this way, we gain back the peace that we gave away in our obsessive quest for feeling secure.

Feelings of Insecurity

So, again bringing it back to safety, if we are safe in the moment, why might we feel such a need to secure it? Well, our insecurity often has nothing to do with a real sense of safety or lack thereof. We get insecure about appearances, how we talk, what people think of us, and all kinds of things in life. This tendency toward insecurity generally stems from our childhood traumas, and not necessarily major ones. We all have touches of trauma and challenge growing up, as no parents are perfect and no child goes through development without experiencing some sort of distressing circumstance such as rejection or neglect.

Once we start looking through the lens of trauma, safety goes out the window, and we have a “need” to be secure in who we are and how we’re doing in this world. We tighten our grasp on reality, and we obsess over making sure our future circumstances will be safe for us so that we can avoid the types of traumas that injured us in the first place. Security in this case is an illusion—it’s made up from our own trauma-reactive stories. We project these onto situations and other people in relationships, and oftentimes those projections aren’t even accurate. Take, for example, one person saying to another, “you think I’m (insert adjective),” and they say, “no, I don’t think that at all.” The first person is projecting their insecurity onto the other. The first person could indeed be correct in their assertion; however, making assumptions about others’ thoughts is rarely productive in social interactions, and when they’re based on our trauma-reactive stories, they are even less effective or true.

Awareness Is the Key

As we’ve established, in most cases, our sense of security or insecurity is merely an illusion. If we are safe in the moment and there is no imminent danger, we are secure when we are willing to accept that we are safe . That is, if we are able to embrace the feelings of safety and feeling good about who we are, what we’re doing, and who we’re with. We then give up the fears of being judged, criticized, blamed, hated, misunderstood, and so forth. 

Safety is a reality, and not just our physical safety. Our emotional safety is a very real thing. Emotional security, however, is often an illusion that we overcompensate for and actually end up reinforcing, creating an emotionally unsafe environment internally for ourselves. This is because if I’m constantly insecure, it doesn’t matter how safe you are with me. I will still find you to be a threat to my well-being, because I am projecting my trauma reactive stories onto you. 

This is one of the biggest challenges in relationships, especially romantic ones. Often one or both people are insecure with themselves, and then they are insecure with each other. As they continue being insecure with themselves and each other, the relationship ends up feeling unsafe to them emotionally. When this unsafe feeling creates an inability to connect with and support one another, the relationship goes downhill quickly.

Does any of this sound familiar to you in your life? Are you feeling overwhelmed by insecurities from your past and preoccupied with possibilities in your future? Changing this is simple, and yet it is not easy. The key is to practice self-awareness. When you’re feeling insecure about a situation, ask yourself why you are feeling that way. Check into it and look at the triggers and where they might have originated. Often, you will find that the triggers are from your unresolved trauma as a 5, 10, or even 15-year-old child. From here you will have a greater understanding of the insecurity, and you can practice letting it go.

Try this, today and every day, as you experience feelings of insecurity in your life. Begin with awareness, release the insecurity, and accept that you are safe in this moment.

Much Love,
Noel Neu, The Songwriting Therapist™