Don’t Be Nice, Be Kind

Being Nice

Have you ever been told to, “be nice?” It often doesn’t feel great when we hear this command—it may bring up memories of being scolded by a parent or another authority figure. More than likely, though, the intention behind the phrase was positive and the person saying it simply wanted you to be in a better mood and for things to go smoothly for everyone. 

The challenge with the word “nice” is that it doesn’t imply authenticity. “Being nice” really implies more of putting on a front for someone or modifying your words and behaviors to please them, rather than acting in a genuine way. It’s not about real connection, and it has an energy of codependency surrounding it.

Being Kind

I believe that the actual intention of the phrase “be nice” is better served by the phrase, “be kind.” The word “kind,” has a heart-opening energy. There is no need to put on airs or conform to situations when practicing kindness—it’s simply about having compassion and treating others how we would like to be treated. “Niceness” is something we have to do to please others, whereas kindness is an energy that flows authentically through us. Kindness is more about honesty with no need for something in return, whereas niceness is more about pleasantness in order to attain a specific result. 

Although the phrases are very similar and people use them interchangeably, I believe that niceness is not nearly as effective as kindness as a way to connect with others positively. Being nice may be easier, and it may be a quick way to make a situation flow smoothly; however, being kind is something that brings us and others closer to integrity and more concerned with one another.

The Kindness Campaign

Pleasing others in order to feel better is not a virtue, and it doesn’t lead to personal growth for them or for you. This adaptive personality trait is called people-pleasing, and it doesn’t really allow others to respect you. Although people may not always be comfortable with honesty and authentic connection, they do intrinsically respect these things. The alternative of being a people-pleasing person focused on being nice is a slippery slope that results in codependent behaviors and relationships that will not serve anyone well in the long run.

If you understand this and agree with me, let’s try an experiment. Replace the word “nice” with “kind” in your vocabulary for the next week, and anytime you are prompted by yourself or others to “be nice” or to say things “nicely,” adopt an attitude of kindness instead. Be ruthless with your kindness. Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don’t say it mean in all of your interactions with others as well as, and especially with yourself each day. This will bring you closer to authenticity and alignment with your highest self. Make notes, either mentally, digitally, or on paper, and reflect at the end of the week on how this change made you feel. I’m confident that you will sense a positive shift from it, and that you will want to continue your kindness campaign after the week is over. 

To put it simply, niceness with truth is kindness. When we seek and share truth, we are happier, freer, and more fulfilled. If you do this experiment and have a moment for reflection, let me know your thoughts and how the switch to kindness made you feel. I look forward to connecting with you.

Much Love,
Noel Neu, The Songwriting Therapist™