Are You a Narcissist?
What is a narcissist? The word has been thrown around in recent years in conversations about relationships with family, romantic partners, and just people in general. It’s not uncommon to hear, “he’s a narcissist” or “she’s a narcissist,” etc. Maybe you even use the word in conversation about people you know. Have you ever stopped to wonder if you knew what it really means?
Essentially, narcissism is a personality disorder in which the afflicted individual is highly self-centered, to the detriment of their relationships with others. When we look at the origin, it is almost always founded through a challenged childhood. There are actually a couple of different ways that a child can grow up to be a narcissist.
How Narcissism Develops
You see, when we’re children, we have different developmental stages that we grow through as our personality evolves. One of the most critical of these stages is from about 2 years old to about 5 years old. During that window, we are very narcissistic (and we’re supposed to be!) At this point in life, the child is just beginning to understand the relationship between “me” and “you” with their parents, and then with siblings and peers. This is the first recognition of individuation. Once they get to that point, the “me” needs to and begins to be developed.
In this stage, children have a need to be all about themselves. They can become more pushy, grabby, resistant, etc. It’s all about their needs and desires. This is a very necessary and crucial part of the development of self-identity.
Children at this time need to be seen and heard, and to be given healthy developmental boundaries by their parents. When a child is neglected, traumatized, abused—not seen or heard—and not able to develop through these experiences, they can get stuck in this narcissistic phase of life, which solidifies in their personality. In addition, if a child is overindulged, and the parents make it all about them without age-appropriate healthy boundaries, that too can lead to narcissism.
When either of these life scenarios occurs, the child becomes stuck in the viewpoint of self when it comes to emotional development. Wants and needs become desired and attained entirely through the filter of “self,” and others are not considered in decision-making.
So, Am I a Narcissist?
If you’re asking yourself if you’re a narcissist, you’re more than likely not. The narcissist can never really engage with that level of self-reflection and personal accountability. The perspective tends to be more like, “there’s nothing wrong with me—there’s something wrong with you!” This type of gaslighting, through deflection and accusation, is very common in a narcissistic personality. So again, if you’re concerned about actually being a narcissist, the answer is generally that you are not. However, sometimes we find ourselves or others acting in a way that looks like narcissism, but isn’t full-blown.
When we can act like a narcissist, and it’s not a chronic behavior, it can simply be viewed as self-absorption. We may act this way unconsciously or on purpose. With this behavior, we make things about ourselves. It can be healthy, and even necessary, at times to take care of and focus on self.
As with most of human behavior, narcissism runs on a spectrum from the most extreme point of blatant, malignant narcissism, to the less intense end where there is a level of kindness and consideration, except it’s all coming through the filter of self. Narcissists can have a diverse array of appearances—the key is that they are stuck solely in their own perspective, with little if any empathy.
Does a Narcissist Care About You?
A narcissist can’t honestly say, “I care about you”—and if they do say it, they don’t actually mean it. What they really feel is more like, “I care about what you mean to me.” Through their filter of self, the care is for what you mean to them, not for you as an individual.
If a person truly cares about you, they care through the good and the bad, through disagreements, and through hurtful situations—the care is not based on conditions. A narcissist, on the other hand, changes their “care” for you based on what they are feeling at the moment. As soon as they feel like you don’t care about them or are no longer on their side, what you mean to them changes, they become hurt or scared, and they pull away the care conditionally in order to feel emotionally protected.
When there is a child or a partner of a narcissist, the relationship can get very confusing. The other person ends up with what I call “the crumbs” in the relationship. They are neglected, and they want more, so they begin to mirror the narcissist in an attempt to get more affection and attention. The relationship then slides into dysfunction and codependency. (We’ll get into this later in a future blog—there’s a lot to unpack.)
Personal Connections
In reading all of this, it’s important to notice what connects with you and why. It’s important to consider if you or anyone you know exhibits these types of behaviors. If you’ve made it this far in the piece, you’re most likely not a narcissist. That said, you might have one in your family or even be in a relationship with one.
Once narcissism has developed in childhood, the person is stuck in that filter of self, which keeps them perpetually unfulfilled. If, and only if, they are able and willing to look at that with acceptance and accountability, they can shift the behavior. It takes a lot of focus, and oftentimes, a lot of therapy. As with all things, there is still hope for the narcissist.
Let me know what you think about this topic when you have a moment. You can email me at connect@noelneu.com or send me a DM on Instagram (@thenoelneu). I’d love to hear your thoughts!
Much Love,
Noel Neu, The Songwriting Therapist™