Empath or Codependent?
Meet the Empath
There seems to be some confusion around the true nature of an empath. A lot of content pairing “the empath and the narcissist” has been published lately, and I believe that this can be a misleading perspective. The distinction I will make for you in this blog is between the empath and the codependent, which is the more accurate pairing for a narcissist. (For more on narcissism, see my blog, Are You A Narcissist?)
Let’s start with the empath. An empath is a person who feels and connects with the energy and emotion of others. When they come across someone they feel is hurt or in need, they may choose to use their gifts to help the other person heal, by giving validation or offering heart-felt Love or connection. If the empath senses and comes to know that the other person is not safe or emotionally stable, however, they will choose to set a boundary, and perhaps still care for the person from afar, at a safe distance. This could, for example, look like an empathic prayer for the other’s healing and well-being.
Empathy is one of the 4 Acts of Love, and is an incredibly important and healing energy. In my FACE Your Fears™ framework and upcoming digital course (click here to sign up for the presale list), we learn that empathy is the antidote to resentment. The challenging thing is that when an empath enters the realm of codependency, they actually begin to build resentments toward the other person, as they are no longer able to authentically engage in their empathic powers.
Enter the Codependent
At the point where the empath senses emotional danger and mistrust, if they do not make the choice to set a boundary and create space/distance, they will begin the transition from empathy to codependency. This is because, for the empath to stay in such a situation, they must excuse, deny, and enable the other person's behavior. In doing so, they inherently become codependent.
On a basic level, the codependent individual is one who is reliant on another’s attention, recognition, and need for them. The codependent is no longer a true empath—they are the empath’s twisted cousin of sorts. As they build layers of denial around the other person's unhealthy and/or unsafe behaviors, they create a situation in which they can actually become victimized.
As I mentioned in a recent blog (What is the TRUTH?), “the truth hurts!” Sometimes it is too painful for us to be willing to confront another person, so we bury it underneath coping/defense mechanisms. When we avoid the truth, we are unable to live as our authentic selves, and we suffer consequences. In the case of the codependent, these consequences can be rather serious, including sacrificing their emotional well-being and sense of self to make the scenario “work.”
Codependency can be summed up with the statement, “I need you to need me.” We all need to be loved and needed, but when someone needs a specific individual to need them and do it consistently for their own sense of self-worth, that is when codependency takes over. The person attracted to the codependent and playing the narcissist role is one who is avoidant, consuming, and cannot acknowledge or express their honest emotional connection with the codependent.
The codependent will spend their energy performing acts of service, delivering words of affirmation, and avoiding anything that might anger the narcissist just to keep the relationship “working.” A true codependent doesn’t accept credit for these things, minimizing their contributions, and then building resentment when they do not receive the recognition they seemingly reject. This type of behavior is often referred to as “people pleasing.” In contrast, the empath offers their energy to other people and does so without expectation or need. They receive recognition openly, and they give gratitude for such recognition. An empath is not and will not be a victim.
The codependent attaches their self-worth to the acceptance and validation of the narcissist. They in a sense become a kind of “reverse narcissist,” as they have an insatiable desire to be needed. They maintain their focus and sense of purpose outside of themself to gain a sense of self from the other person. The empath focuses outside of themself as an act of service. They are not egotistical, and they truly care about others, all the while maintaining a strong sense of self. They give and let go, in which they receive the gift of freedom. The codependent is outside of themself to have people, places, and things aligned in a sense of “okayness” to try and realize, and then maintain, a fragile perceived sense of self.
Healing Codependency
Because codependency is essentially the shadow or inverse side of empathy, it can be difficult to tell exactly when the line is crossed. As established earlier, the codependent is often an empath in denial of their own sense of self, and as a result, unhealthy circumstances in their life. The truth is, the empath has a propensity to attract and be attracted to hurt individuals or those going through emotional difficulties because they intuitively sense that they can help them. This is not always a negative thing! It becomes negative or ineffective when the person they are attracted to is actually a narcissist or an un-recovering addict, and they then deny or fail to heed the warning signs.
The key to distinguishing when the line has been crossed is honesty with oneself. Have you abdicated your emotions to the other person? Are you anxious to please them in order to feel ok with yourself? Do you have a secret resentment building toward them and are you unable or unwilling to communicate it with them? Only when you can honestly answer these questions will you be able to tell if you have crossed into codependency. Remember, once you have resentment, you have left empathy behind and moved into codependency.
Once the transition from empath to codependent has taken place, it becomes increasingly difficult to get out of. That said, it is very possible and necessary to do the work to reverse this transition and heal yourself. I admit that I am still actively healing from and moving further outside of codependency, as that has been one of my tendencies and challenges in life. Whether we call it an “ism,” an “affliction,” or an “addiction,” it is definitely an unhealthy scenario that happens, and it cannot be confused with true empathy. We can recover from it and attain personal freedom.
The way we heal from codependency is that we own it through direct honesty with ourselves and having an honest support to hold us accountable. We let go of control of everybody or everything, and we start sitting with and walking through the feelings of loss and disconnection that we're trying to fix through codependent connection to other people. We move away from the loop of fear and control, we own our codependency, and (most importantly) we use our empathic superpower to give empathy to ourselves.
The more we empathize with ourselves, the more we truly Love and care for ourselves, and the less that self-care seems selfish. Codependency begins to heal and release, and we interact with others without being reliant/dependent on what they are saying, doing, thinking, and feeling. We will still have emotions that come up in response to those things, but we are not controlled by these emotions, and we are not attached to how others perceive us. As we continue along this path of honesty with ourselves, we regain our empathic superpower and share it through ourselves with others.
Much Love,
Noel Neu, The Songwriting Therapist™