Are You Codependent?

Let’s take some time to talk about codependency. This is a term that’s been increasingly overused, and it really came into the zeitgeist only about 30 years ago or so (late 80s/early 90s). That said, the concept has been around since Alcoholics Anonymous started with Bill Wilson and his wife Lois started Al-Anon to address the family component of addiction, which later became known as codependency. 

It has developed onward with insightful therapeutic authors Melody Beattie, Claudia Black, and others writing the seminal works on the topic. The term codependency has definitely gained popularity through the years, and at times it seems to get thrown around and watered down. So, I wanted to take a few minutes to address this concept and give you a really clear picture of what codependent behavior looks and feels like.

Over-Helping and Enabling

So, at its core, codependency is a state in which one person “over helps”, enables, and/or continuously seeks validation from another person or other people in their life. This other person or these people often display traits of narcissism (see Are You A Narcissist blog) and may have addictions, be underachievers, or be outright abusive. The codependent individual adapts to their relationship with a high degree of self-sacrifice, to the point at which they neglect their own well-being. They place others’ needs above their own in such a way that they end up “taking care” of others and taking on their responsibilities in an unhealthy way (see Being a CareGIVER blog).

When I am codependent, I am dependent on you, and I foster a dependence of you on me. This structure of “needing” each other gives me a sense of perceived purpose and distraction from the reality of the dysfunction. As we slide deeper into the codependent relationship, your well-being and your state of mind and being are directly tied to mine. Simply put, when I am codependent, my own well-being is dependent on you being well. 

People often have a hard time distinguishing between empathic behavior and codependent behavior. Sacrifice and empathic connection are found in Loving relationships and equate to people being concerned about each other’s well-being. However, in this context, neither person’s well-being is dependent on the other being well. It doesn’t mean they don’t care. They just aren’t obsessively needing it   In a codependent relationship, one of the individuals typically makes sacrifices and becomes overly concerned with the other’s well-being and actually does rely on it for their own sense of emotional security. In this situation, the line has been crossed from empathic behavior to codependency.

Making Sure Everyone Else is Happy

Codependent people can become dependent on the well-being of multiple people, including family members, colleagues, bosses, employees, or clients, and can even generalize this to everyone they meet. The codependent takes accountability and responsibility away from others in their life and takes on the burden of making sure everyone is happy, or at least ok. 

This is not to say that we don’t care about everyone’s well-being—it is wonderful and healthy to care about others. The distinction here is that we don’t want to become dependent on that. When we’re dependent on that, we outsource our emotions to the current states of others, and we, therefore, open ourselves up to a perpetual state of unwellness. This is particularly so because the codependent individual tends to get wrapped up in the emotions of others with narcissism, addiction, and other problematic issues or behaviors. They are essentially drawn to people with destructive tendencies and begin to align their own purpose with trying to take care of and regulate the other person.

This state of unwellness brought about by codependency can really be conceptualized as disease—being in a codependent state brings about all kinds of stresses, anxieties, and depressions, and can in turn contribute to or exacerbate things like autoimmune issues and other illnesses. More than likely, if my okayness or “happiness” is dependent on whatever someone else does (or doesn’t do) or feels or says, then my codependency will take over my life and largely ruin it. This can manifest itself in not eating well or sleeping well or eating or sleeping too much, and all sorts of other issues.

Shifting Out of Codependency

So, how can we shift out of codependency? As with most things, the first step is an awareness of the behavior. The codependent person needs to develop an awareness of when they are dependent on another’s well-being for their own sense of being well. When we sense that dependence, we can go within and release the attachment to the emotions of the other person, while showing ourselves the Love and care we wish to receive. In showing Love first to ourselves, we can then express it outward and share it with others in our lives. When we come from a Loving place, we do not “need” others to act or feel a certain way. We meet them where they are and offer them support, instead of taking responsibility for their well-being. This is the transition from the codependent back to the empath.

I actually have a new show now called The Empath Hour™, which is currently hosted on IG Live Thursdays at 9 PM EST. The key to every episode for me is really the distinction between empathy and codependency, because as an empath myself, I understand the temptation and tendency to fall into codependency under certain circumstances. Put simply, as an empath, I have the capacity to feel what you feel. We’re all empathic to some degree, and some more than others. The truth is that being empathic can be a blessing and a curse. It's a blessing because it’s ultimately the reason I’m doing what I’m doing—helping people through my therapy and coaching and in the content on my website and social media. It becomes a curse if I don’t take care of myself and become too caught up in caring for others, and the results of their actions, thus, slipping into codependency. 

The core mission of the show is to help people move out of codependent behavior and get back into their empathy and their power, because empathy truly is empowering. Follow @thenoelneu on Instagram and tune in Thursdays at 9 PM EST. I look forward to connecting with you!

Much Love,
Noel Neu, The Songwriting Therapist™