Being a CareGIVER
Caregivers and Caretakers
One of the most beautiful things about human nature is the desire and ability to care for one another. This occurs in all kinds of situations and relationships, both personally and professionally. In fact, there is an entire industry of care for the elderly, people with disabilities, and people with illnesses.
When we look at the words used, there seem to be interchangeable terms of “caregiving” and “caretaking”. If you are a caregiver, others may well also refer to you as a caretaker and vice versa. For the purposes of this blog, however, I would like to make a serious distinction between giving care and taking care.
Giving Care
When we give care or support, we feel like we are really being there for someone. There is a sense of fulfillment from helping the other person with their challenge and allowing them to maintain their dignity while doing so. The result is a healthy sense of boundaries and respect for one another.
Giving care is all about offering support to the other person, and making them feel heard, listened to, appreciated, and respected. It is “holding the space” without judgment for them to feel what they need to feel and do what they need to do to walk through their challenge. Giving care is about being the foundation, or the rock, for the other person to lean on when they need support. It is about creating an environment of emotional safety for this person.
A giver of care may still provide input when needed; however, they allow the other individual their personal agency and freedom of choice in the matter. A giver of care is not pushy, demanding, or controlling—they are a kind, gentle, supportive source and resource of energy.
Taking Care
When we take care of someone, on the other hand, we feel like we have to be there for them. At first, it feels good, because we feel needed, wanted, desired, etc. But after some time, the care can often slowly (or quickly) become a chore, a burden, and a pain point in the relationship.
The taker of care actually takes away the other person’s sense of agency and their ability for self-care. When we take care of someone, we can become entitled and controlling, micromanaging the care and leaving no decisions unmade. We take responsibility for the care of another, instead of simply supporting them in their own self-reliance.
The feeling of need manifests itself, as the person being taken care of begins to “learn” and feel that they need to be taken care of, which can lead to initiating feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness. We take pride in caring for ourselves, and when that ability is taken away, it can be debilitating and depressing. The person taking care of another can, and often does, become resentful of the situation, and the relationship can slide into one of enabling codependency.
Which Are You Experiencing?
It’s important to be able to not only understand intellectually the difference between giving and taking care but also to recognize the difference in your own life. There are, of course, two sides of the equation: the person providing care, and the person accepting care.
As a person providing care, you can ask yourself a few questions:
Do I feel that I want to be there for someone, or that I need to be there for them?
Am I allowing the other person their own freedom of choice?
Am I showing the other person dignity and respect?
Am I offering support, instead of controlling the situation?
If we feel that we want to be there for someone else, chances are that we are giving care, instead of taking it. As we allow others their freedom of choice, their dignity, and their respect, we empower them to still have the responsibility for their care, while benefiting from our support.
As a person accepting care, we can ask some similar questions from a different angle:
Am I grateful for the care provided, or does it feel forced upon me?
Do I feel like I have agency over self and freedom of choice?
Do I feel a sense of dignity and respect?
Am I feeling supported, instead of controlled?
Using these questions as a barometer can help you know the difference between the giving and taking of care in your own life.
Care of All Kinds
Care transcends all relationship types, and perhaps the most primal and meaningful kind of care is that which is provided to our young. I care for a lot of people in a lot of different ways in both my personal and professional life, but caring for my daughter is of particular importance.
When a parent cares for their child, there are often times when the child truly cannot do the given thing(s) for themselves and truly requires the care. As a child grows and learns, they begin to step into their own self-agency and ability to care for themselves in various ways. Throughout this development, however, we must still treat the child with dignity and respect, and empower them with as much freedom of choice as possible, while still keeping them safe. In this way, the child can always lean on the parent when they are feeling down, hurt, sad, lonely, scared, etc., but they will know that their power of self is still intact.
In a similar way, when caring for a person with a disability, an illness, or geriatric disease, we must empower the individual as much as we can and support them in maintaining their own dignity and self-respect throughout the caregiving process. Even in the more extreme example of someone who is literally incapacitated, that person is still a sentient being. Allow them to feel the energy of love and respect when providing care to them.
We must do our best to apply the principles of giving care, as opposed to taking care, in all of our relationships. When our significant other is feeling unwell or struggling with a life challenge, we cannot commandeer control of the situation and begin making choices on their behalf—instead, we must allow them to feel emotions and make choices, supporting them along the way and providing them with a foundation of emotional safety. When our friend or coworker is feeling overwhelmed and coming to us for help, we must resist the urge to be the “hero” in the situation. Remember, that everyone is the hero in their own story—our job in caring for others is to be a gentle, supportive energy and to allow them to walk through their own challenges with humility and respect.
So, remember, it is better to give care than to take it. I hope that you carry this information with you as you navigate your own challenges and the challenges of others in your life.
Much Love,
Noel Neu, The Songwriting Therapist™