Argument vs. Discussion
The Way We Communicate
Conversations are happening all the time all over the world. In person, over the phone, through email, on social media, and even through video games, we communicate with one another and exchange our opinions, beliefs, and ideas. Our conversations can be incredibly positive and fulfilling, and they can also be negative and destructive to our relationships. The difference often lies in the goal we have when we’re communicating. Is our goal to be “right” or to listen and be heard? Is our goal to “win” or to connect?
There are two major types of conversations when two people have differing points of view: arguments and discussions. In this blog, I will go over the differences between the two, and teach you some strategies to incorporate into your life so that you can keep your conversations positive and your relationships healthy.
Argument
When we argue, we are concerned about “winning”. It is “us vs. them” and there is a “right” side and a “wrong” side. We believe ourselves to be right, and we are fixated on proving that to the other person. We get emotional and we say things out of anger and fear.
When two people argue, they may hear each other, but the information they’re gathering is just used to control the narrative so that they can try to “win”. If you’re constantly trying to win, you won’t have positive relationships, because you will be vigilant to avoid losing, defending your position at all costs. This comes at the even greater cost of not having a fulfilled life. People obsessed with winning are very attached to outcomes. In order to attain a life of freedom and fulfillment, we must detach ourselves from outcomes, feel the feelings that arise, set healthy boundaries when needed, and be grateful for life as it is.
Discussion
When we have a discussion, we are more concerned about connection. When we are discussing, we do not have to agree, but we have to listen. We might get frustrated, we might get angry, and we might not even appreciate the other person’s point of view. But what we are doing is holding the space for each other with dignity for ourselves and respect for one another. I say my peace while you hold the space for me, and you say your peace while I hold the space for you.
When we hold the space for each other, the intensity of emotions lowers and we are able to connect with each other with a collaborative, shared energy. In this way, we have a much easier time finding common ground, even if we are very far apart in our perspectives. When we are able to have an empathic discussion, we often find that even when our opinions are different, we both want similar things. The difference is generally just in our perspective and our approach of attaining those things.
The Polarization of Society
When we think of arguments, it’s very easy to find political examples. Our society is becoming increasingly divided, and the media tends to use harsh tactics to divide us on issues even further. From both sides of the spectrum, there is frustration, anger, and resentment toward the other side. When we engage in arguments with each other, however, what we’re doing is simply pushing each other further into our respective positions and not coming closer to understanding each other
Let’s be real—if you are on one side of the political spectrum, you’re not going to get someone with the opposite view to switch sides through an argument. In fact, you probably won’t get them to switch sides at all. What you can do, however, is perhaps find some common ground through genuine discussion, and shift them a bit more toward the center. You may even find yourself learning and shifting a bit as well. Through empathic discussions, we can connect with each other, no matter how different we are. When we are able to discuss, we are more engaged and more capable of coming to real solutions.
Turning Arguments into Discussions
Without judging arguments as “good” or “bad”, I can tell you that, for the most part, they will not get you what you want in your relationships. That said, they are natural for us as humans, and there are times when they occur. The key is to come back down from the intensity after the argument has taken place and to then have a discussion afterward.
Better yet, if you can prevent the conversation from turning into an argument in the first place, emotional damage can be avoided. When you are in a conversation and you begin feeling the “heat” of an argument rising up, recognize it and take accountability for it. Accept that you are “arguing”, and take a breath. Own your part of it with respect for yourself and your conversational partner and shift your energy back to a place of Love and connection.
If this is not possible, you may need to set a boundary with the other person and explain that you need some time to center and ground yourself with Love and not have the conversation at that time. A little bit of space can allow you both to cool off and come back to the topic in a more mindful headspace.
One Conversation at a Time
We may not be able to change our society’s communication today, but we can change our own. Change begins with you, me, another person, and then another. It happens in one conversation, one moment at a time.
We need Loving energy in our relationships—in our families, our workplaces, our friendships, and our romantic pursuits. If we are arguing everywhere we go, our lives will not be very pleasant. Instead, let’s take the intention forward to find a connection with one another. If we make this shift in ourselves and in our relationships, we have real power to create even greater change for our world. Remember the slogan, “Let it begin with me.”
Much Love,
Noel Neu, The Songwriting Therapist™