Stop Using These Two Words

Choose Your Words

Language is a critical component of the human experience. Our words allow us to form complex thoughts, to create plans, to communicate with others, and ultimately to design our lives. Thus, we benefit greatly when we become more aware of the words we choose in all areas of life. There are two seemingly harmless words in the English language (with equivalents in virtually every other language) that I have found specifically to hinder us in our journey to freedom and fulfillment.

These two words are “should” and “but”, words that most of us use frequently and without much consideration. Although they seem innocuous, these two words shift the energy of what follows them and can have an insidious long-term effect on our ability to connect with ourselves and others and to achieve what we desire in life. In this blog, we will go over just how these words take power away from us and how you will benefit from limiting or removing them from your vocabulary as much as possible.

Stop “Shoulding” Yourself

The word “should” really pushes against productivity in life. When we say, “I really should have done that”, or “I shouldn’t have done this”, it has a connotation of guilt, shame, and defeat, communicating a sense of being “wrong”, invalid, or “bad”. This is a destructive energy to bring forth with ourselves and others, as it focuses on reactive judgment. Instead of looking at how we can change for the better, or how we can do things differently next time, we focus on the negative and sit in shame and self-punishment. This keeps us in that energy, and we do not move through it to correct whatever it is we’re wanting or even needing to correct.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight In a bud was more painful than the risk It took to blossom.” – Anais Nin

The above quote from Anais Nin really illustrates what’s on the other side once we get out of “should” energy. It is true—we only change once the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the fear of facing and going through that change. “Should” numbs the emotions of feeling the pain of whatever you did or didn’t do that you felt was wrong or not good. It also enhances the fear of moving forward through it, because it’s avoidance. The ironic thing about avoidance is that, although it provides temporary relief, fear grows each time we avoid it.

In using “should”, we deny our responsibility to take action. The “should” statement is designed to make us feel like we did something just by saying it, as if admitting that we “should have” done something absolves us of any moral obligation to do anything about it. It keeps us stuck in a “should” cycle with no growth or development. When we take forms of “should” and change them to forms of “did”, “will”, or “can”, we create less ambiguous, more practical statements. 

We can simply admit in plain language that we “did” or “didn’t” do something. When we do this, we leave a space for interpretation. How do you feel about what you did or did not do? How would you feel if you could change that for next time? More than likely, you feel the pain of doing or not having done something that feels bad to admit. Great, now that emotion can be an impetus to put a plan together and take action on it. 

Sometimes it's a matter of our own will—if we are continually willing something or disallowing it, it’s important to speak in those terms (“I will” or “I will not”) and understand that it is a matter of us not allowing or disallowing the desired behavior. At that point, we need to dig deeper and see what’s behind that so that we can make the appropriate change needed to feel more at ease with ourselves and others. 

Finally, the word “can’t” is often seen as a limiting word, but sometimes there are realistic physical, mental, or emotional limitations that keep us from taking desired action. This is ok, and we can admit when we cannot do something, and then we can look to find the variables that we are open to and able to change so that we “can”. 

When we sit in the pain of “can’t”, “won’t, and “didn’t”, we get closer to wanting to change whatever behavior we’re speaking of. Stake your claim of where you’re at in your position, instead of sitting in the limbo of “should”, and formulate a plan to get to the other side of it. We are able to walk through the fear of whatever we “should” or “shouldn’t” do to make the change when we are ready.

Make No “Buts” About It

We use conjunctions all the time, and I’m using one right now in this sentence. They are highly useful words, with “and” being a great way to present two ideas that are occurring simultaneously. The less agreeable version, “but”, presents a resistance, a problem, or a distinct contradiction between the two ideas in the sentence. Not only that—”but” essentially negates/wipes out whatever comes before it.

Let’s take the following example: “I really want to follow my dreams, but I’m depressed.” The “but” completely negates the desire to follow your dreams, instead shifting the focus to being depressed. We could make a simple change to “and” to make this more actionable: “I really want to follow my dreams, and I’m depressed.” In making this change, we take the power away from the rationalization that comes after the “but”. 

From the above example, achieving dreams and having depression are not mutually exclusive. To frame it with an “and” helps us see possibility, and develop the ability to move through depression while taking steps toward following our dreams. “But” discounts, dismisses, and cuts off our ability to move forward by staying in rationalization.

This simple shift is also a classic principle of improvisation. When one person is presenting an idea in an improv group, contradicting them only leads to negative energy. The best way to move the improv forward is to say “yes, and”, following the statement with a new piece of information that can keep the storyline flowing. This is a collaborative energy that we can apply to our own lives. Instead of looking to contradict, let us look to collaborate.

Speaking Mindfully

A few years back I had a young client around 18 or 19 years old at the time, who debated with me and insisted that there is a place for “but”. He was and remains extraordinarily intelligent, and I respected the points that he brought forth. We ended up agreeing to disagree, and I didn’t see him for a few weeks. One of the first things he said to me in our next conversation was that he changed his mind and agreed with me about using the word “but”. He realized that even though both parts of the statement are being said, the part of the statement after the “but” is really the focus and point being made, thus, effectively negating the first part. I say this not to assert my “being right”, but just to illustrate that we all defend our words and behaviors until we get a chance to look at them from a different perspective. At that point, patterns emerge and we are able to identify what truly serves us, and what is simply a hindrance.

Take a look at your own use of “but” and see how it makes you feel, how it shifts the energy, and how it makes the other person feel. I continually take inventory of these sorts of things, and I’m sure that if you look at previous blog posts, that I have used “but” or “should” without even realizing it. We are all learning, growing, developing and evolving. The point is not to achieve perfection; it is to realize positive change over time.

Before I close, I’d like to share that I do believe there are a couple of instances in which these words have their place in language. Let’s take the word “should” first. When it is an objective “if/then” concept, “should” may very well be applicable. Example: “If I plug this in, it should be charged in about an hour.” This is an objective prediction of what ought to happen, based on past experience. In the case of “but”, if you really want to discount something that was said before it and dismiss it entirely, it can fit the point being made. That said, when you try “and” instead, you’ll find that it oftentimes works just as well or even better.

Look at these words in your vocabulary, release yourself from the “shoulds”, bring in what you can’t, won’t, and didn’t do, and walk through the pain and fear to get to the otherside. Then let go of the “buts” and bring in the “and” so that you can shift to a more collaborative, free-flowing energy. If you spend time with this concept, please let me know about your experience and what it feels like to use these words less by emailing me at connect@noelneu.com. I hope that this helps you bring yourself that much closer to a life of freedom and fulfillment.

Much Love,

Noel Neu, The Songwriting Therapist™