Be the Person You Want to Be With

The Love Story

What is a healthy, long-term supportive partnership, and what does it look like? Is it “being in Love,” and is that even a sustainable connection or just a temporary chemical reaction? Popular culture tends to put this feeling of “being in Love,” otherwise known as romantic Love, on a pedestal in a very exaggerated way. Love songs and scripts from romantic comedies and novels lead us to believe that we “need” a soul mate to be truly happy, or that we are not “complete” until we find this other person. These kinds of narratives easily lead us to upset, disappointment, and discontentment as we engage in dating and furthermore when we end up in long-term relationships or marriages.

This is because looking for completion in another human is futile. The only person who can “complete” you is You. When we perceive a missing piece that needs to be filled in with another person’s Love, what we are really perceiving are our own insecurities or anxieties from past traumas. This leads us to look for someone we can be attached to, who needs us as much as we need them. 

The attachment we are actually seeking from this person cannot and will not magically cure the disowned parts of ourselves that we yearn to reconnect with—they must be healed within us. If we avoid the work that it takes to heal ourselves mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, we simply attract other people with similarly unresolved traumas, which manifest together with ours and create destructive tendencies within the relationship.

So, when we direct our self-development efforts on finding “the one” and consciously or unconsciously think that this individual will solve our problems and make us whole, we set ourselves up for relationship turmoil and disappointment. Many of us end up abdicating our own individual responsibility and identification of self to “the one” we are seeking, and as a result, it hurts us and places unrealistic expectations and pressure on future partners.

Start With Yourself

This leaves us in a very challenging predicament: in our own imperfection and discontent, how do we attract a healthy romantic Love into our lives? This is a great question and an important one. Whereas we do not “need” another person to complete us, as spiritual beings living a human experience, we desire to commune and build a life with another, growing mentally, emotionally, and spiritually together. The pursuit of this Love is not the issue; rather, it is the way we approach it.

Let us turn the focus inward and start with ourselves. When we no longer concentrate all of our efforts and even obsess about finding that special someone, and instead address our own healing and development, we fill our own needs, and we make it infinitely more probable that we will attract the person we’ve been searching for—the reason why is because that person is already here, in You. 

Like Attracts Like

The foundation of the Law of Attraction is that like attracts like. The key here is not to manipulate the energy to get what you want—that’s not sustainable and truly not fulfilling. We do not attract the “desired” energy, especially when the desire is not congruent or aligned with us. Even if we did attract this “desired” energy, the focus is directed on and maintained by the desire. This will disrupt the flow of the energy you are bringing into your life, and it would manifest negatively in the relationship. (This is the wisdom of “be careful what you wish for.”)

In a Loving relationship, when we are truly giving and receiving the energy of Love, we set ourselves up for a congruent, like-energy person to come into our lives. As I have at times been challenged in my own life to connect in the way I have wanted to with another person romantically, it has become apparent to me that the simple answer to all of this is to be the person you want to be with. This means that you strive to become the type of person that you would like to be with, in the way you are dealing with yourself, your family, the world, work, expectations, desires, and every other area of life. 

You do this with the giving and receiving of Love, support, and connection—everything you’ve ever wanted in a relationship. When you practice this, you’re already giving and receiving these things to and from others in your life. You open up your heart, and you open up the space to give and receive Love with the “right person.” This “right person” is actually You. The one you will attract from this will share these same qualities and characteristics with you as well.

Making the Commitment

At this point, in following the advice above, I am being the type of person I want to be with more so than ever. I’m certainly not perfect, and I’ve been shifting decades worth of programming and attracting challenging people for partnerships with me. As of this writing, I do not currently have a romantic partner in my life, and that is truly ok, because I am becoming and being that person for myself and my family. 

The truth is that the more I truly become and just Be that person, the more likely I am to attract another individual with those qualities. However, this is not the main goal. The main focus and desired goal are to Be the Love I wish to receive in this world. Be supportive. Be compassionate. Face my fears and live in truth.

I would like to add a key point here that in following this plan, I am making the commitment to be open-minded in terms of who people are and how they show up in my life. It is important to remove preconceived notions that we may have about what our ideal partners may look like. This is not to completely disregard physical attraction, but rather to shift the focus from that area onto the energy and the spiritual and emotional development of the person. The person you are truly attracting into your life may not look or sound like the type of person you are used to desiring or pining for. That’s ok, and that just may even be for the best!

I hope that you will give this a try and that you will be the person you want to be with. It’s a moment-to-moment practice, and it takes patience and gentle firmness with yourself. As you work to become this person, your life will begin to transform, and you will become that much closer to a life of freedom and fulfillment. This is all you truly need, and as a bonus, you might just find the Love of your life.

Much Love,
Noel Neu, The Songwriting Therapist™