Change HOW You Are, Not WHO You Are

The Who and the How

One’s own identity is very much a personal thing, and it is more popular now than ever as a topic in the social landscape. Our true sense of personal identity is innate and is established at birth (or arguably even in our mother’s womb as the development of our bodies and senses take shape). As babies, we were very much sure of ourselves and our wants, needs, and actions. We had inherent self-confidence and were able to present ourselves to the world as we were without fear of rejection. It is only after we began to “learn” about social norms and standards that we began to question “who we are”.

As we began to compare ourselves to everyone else and measure ourselves against (sometimes quite arbitrary) standards, we began to question our true identity and our worthiness. The thing is that, in reality, our core identity will never change! The “who we are” is still the same as it always was. As we grow and develop, the core of “who we are” gets covered up by superficial layers, yet it remains pure, in and of itself. Superficial parts of our personal identity like what sports teams we like, what types of food we eat, what job we have, etc, are ever-changing, and they do not affect our true core identity.

Shifting Our Perspective

So, when we become dissatisfied with or disconnected from ourselves, we need not worry about trying to shift “who we are” (and even if you try, you cannot do it!); we need to focus on shifting “how we are”. When we are trying to develop ourselves spiritually and expand our consciousness, we are changing or shifting how we are living our lives, not who we are as human beings.

The unfortunate thing is that we tend often to focus on our personal identity and “who we are” when we are trying to make a change. We fall prey to self-shaming and feeling that we are “not good enough”, so we proceed with making superficial changes to the “identity” we present to the world. We hit the gym, get a new hairstyle, change our bio on social media, anything that would appear to shift who we think we are, and all the while our core identity has remained unchanged.

In fact, these more superficial changes could be seen more as “how we are” than “who we are”. Anything that we can change, or that ever really needs to shift, falls in this category. It is how we are living that we have the power to change. Who you are is completely wonderful right now as is, even if you don’t like yourself, even if you don’t like certain aspects, and even if you think you’re “wrong”, “bad”, “broken”, “defective”, or any other judgmental word you like to use against yourself. 

Who you are is the truth of your real self underneath all of those aspects, (those are how you are). Whatever you can do to grow, shift, expand, or heal the aspects that you’re dissatisfied with—that’s what we’re looking to do, not change who you are. Who you are is fundamentally, completely, and perfectly you. Once you accept that, you can look at the “how” without shame or self-resentment.

Setting Boundaries

One of the best ways we can shift how we are living is to use boundaries with ourselves and others. There are two major kinds of boundaries—external and internal. A lot of people don’t effectively employ boundaries, and were never really taught them. We’ll go over both types and how to go about using them below.

Let’s start with external boundaries. These are the boundaries we set with other people in our lives. To be truly effective they must be both flexible and firm, not rigid and not loose. They must also be moveable. I set a boundary, and I can then shift it. If someone is being really difficult for me to engage with, I can bring it out a bit further, and if it’s flowing easily, I can bring it closer in toward me. I can open and close the boundary and move it closer and further away as needed.

Now for the internal boundary. This kind of boundary is involved with how you’re treating yourself, looking at yourself, and ultimately creating this life for yourself. When you’re stuck with not being able to connect with yourself, external boundaries can help keep others that are not respectful to you at a safe distance, but are not enough to bring you to feeling truly fulfilled. Inside, you’ll still be having resentments, dissonance, and even discontent when you are disconnected from your true self.

So, let’s begin to create these internal boundaries. We need to establish them with the same fortitude that we would when setting a healthy boundary with other people. The best practice to gain progress in this way is to be gentle with yourself and firm with your decisions in a consistent and sustainable manner. When things are going in a negative direction against us, we stop doing those behaviors by setting an internal boundary with ourselves, and when things are positive, we encourage and allow ourselves to do them more often. We must be firm, open, honest, and respectful with ourselves and with these internal boundaries so that we can hold positive regard and space for ourselves.

Another thing internal boundaries do is express and process emotion. The goal is not to never feel upset; it’s having the ability to walk through whatever comes up. The internal boundary here would be to let sadness arise up and out if you’re feeling sad, thus, processing it. If you’re feeling scared, you can let some fear come up and out, so that you can fully express it and not be controlled by it. This is not to say to stay in it and wallow, rather express it and process it mindfully to allow yourself to be free of any burden. Walling ourselves off and suppressing difficult emotions is a sure-fire way to keep our energy low and our supportive relationships superficial and unfulfilling. Additionally, healthy expression of painful emotions allows us to keep our hearts open to receive benevolent emotions as well.

Staying in Bounds

So now that you know not to try to change who you are, it’s time to embrace your true personal identity. It’s time to practice self love and acceptance, and to gently and firmly set boundaries for yourself. Remember that this doesn’t mean that you have to close yourself off to the world. These boundaries are not really about closing things, they’re about opening up to our true needs and desires and how we deserve to be treated by ourselves and others.

Our internal boundaries help us to effectively deal better with the external, and our external boundaries help us to connect more with the internal. Our boundaries open and hold space for us. As we walk through life accepting who we are and evolving how we are living, let us remember to keep an open mind and an open heart, and to create and use our boundaries mindfully and with a Loving energy.

Much Love,

Noel Neu, The Songwriting Therapist™