Learn to Receive
Giving and Taking
Traditionally, when we hear the word “receiving,” we often associate it with the word “giving.” We conceptualize giving and receiving as naturally opposite and synergistic actions. However, for the purposes of this blog, I want to bring a third word into the equation, which is “taking.” As you will see, when we have not opened up the space to give and receive freely, the act of taking is usually involved. When we take, our focus is on what we can get without considering the energy of the person we are taking from and there are all sorts of undesired consequences that can arise and develop.
So, let’s get back to giving and receiving. Ironically, the key to giving is actually receiving, and vice versa. As we open ourselves up to receive, we are able to see and accept Loving energy coming to us, and in turn, we give off that energy more abundantly. As we give, we again open up space for more to flow in, creating a virtuous cycle.
Enter Codependency
As human beings, we are meant to give and receive, to exchange with others, and to allow for a free flowing energy among us. When we don’t allow ourselves to receive, then we will eventually take from somewhere, because we’ll be in a deficit. When we are closed off to receiving things like compliments, Love, help, money, and considerate attention of any kind, we become starved for those things. We end up in survival mode, taking what we can get from wherever and whomever we can get it from. When the “taking” gets involved, this is where codependency is present.
Codependency essentially exists between two individuals: the giver and the taker. The giver in the relationship gives constantly of themselves, seeking attention, consideration and validation from the taker. Both the giver and taker typically suffer from insecure attachment styles, the giver having an anxious attachment style, and the taker having an avoidant attachment style. The giver becomes emotionally depleted, desiring attention and/or affection that the taker cannot or will not provide. The giver ultimately ends up seeking and “taking” this wherever they can get it. They end up trying new ways to get close to the taker, by giving and then needing/expecting attention in return. They can end up using passive techniques to solicit affection, taking any bit they can get, which is akin to eating crumbs and calling it a meal.
As the taker does not naturally tend to the giver’s emotional needs, they become resentful of the emotional persistence of the giver and, thus, increasingly avoidant. This then reinforces the giver’s behavior. Both become miserable in the relationship, because there is not an open flow of giving and receiving, and there is not a sense of security within the relationship. The giver is taking little bits of affection that the taker feels compelled to give, and the taker is taking the giver’s affection, efforts, and energy without concentrated effort to give back. The reason the taker is not willing, or even able to give back, is that they do not genuinely receive the energy they are taking. Neither the giver nor the taker are able to truly receive with gratitude from each other—there is too much resentment surrounding their exchanges. It is a tragic state of being for both individuals, and can only be ameliorated through healing each of their attachment styles and opening up space to give and receive, so that they can exchange Loving energy without resistance.
Don’t Forget the Receipt
When you think of the word “receiving”, it sounds quite related to “receipt.” A receipt is simply documentation of whatever exchange or transaction took place. When you receive a gift from someone, there is a timeless practice of accepting it with gratitude and offering a simple “thank you.” It is the “thank you” that acts as the receipt, and this expression of gratitude is a gift in itself to the giver.
Gratitude is the extra layer on top of the exchange that takes it to an even higher level. The energy of gratitude makes both the giver and the receiver feel a Loving energy and appreciation for the moment and for each other. So, don’t forget the receipt! When giving, remember to allow the receiver to fully receive your gift. Then, receive their gratitude if it is offered. As a receiver, allow yourself to fully receive the gift, and then take the time to connect with a genuine offering of gratitude to another person. Such an offering may look like a simple “thank you” spoken in a sincere tone with warm eye contact. This really allows both people to receive in connection with each other.
When The Giving Gets Hard
I have a quick story about giving that may resonate with your own experience. When I was around age 7, I often spent time with a neighborhood friend (a girl a year older than me) under her mother’s care after school. My mom worked 70-hour weeks, so I spent a lot of time over at their house.
After my mom got home from work, sometimes we would all go out to dinner, the two kids and the two moms. We’d have nice conversations and enjoy our meals, and then when the bill came, both moms would wish to pay for it. Almost every single time, my mom and our neighbor would literally argue over the bill, each wanting to pay and asserting their desire to take care of it. This was, of course, not of ill-will, but the energy actually got pretty tense during these frequent bill disputes.
Perhaps the neighbor saw my mom struggling with working so hard to raise me and felt she was helping out by paying the bill. Perhaps my mom felt indebted to the neighbor because she was taking such good care of me in her absence as she worked. Whatever the case may be, we often experience people competing to pay for things in social settings. It can get uncomfortable, and it doesn’t need to be. No one is happy, no one truly “wins”, and both people walk away less grateful than they could be.
Make a Genuine Offer
After experiencing these restaurant bill fights far too frequently, I realized even as a child that it was unnecessary and that I didn’t want to act in that way when I grew up and it was time for me to pay. As I grew older and encountered similar situations, I devised a strategy that feels authentic to me that I still use:
If I wish to offer to pay for something, I make a genuine offer out of the kindness of my heart, and I mean it. If they say “no, it’s on me,” then I’ll insist once more, saying “no, really, it’s on me.” If they refuse my offer again, I will receive their offer with sincere gratitude and tell them, “thank you” (the receipt), as I detailed earlier.
Some people may still choose to resent and judge you if you allow them to pay for the bill after your twice rejected offer, as though you didn’t put up enough of a fight for it, or whatever the case may be. When this happens, do not take it to heart. Whatever resentment they have at this point is purely theirs, so do not feed into it. We can have empathy and compassion for such individuals, and then we simply move forward with a clear conscience. If such behavior continues between you and the same person, it may be time for a deeper discussion to get to the root of the issue, and it may ultimately require some boundary setting as well.
Learning to Receive
Many of us are not ever taught to truly receive with openness. In such cases, we learn to take instead of to receive, which comes with a sense of guilt. We may not even understand that we’re “taking,” but still feel a burden of guilt associated with it. A lot of this comes down to our childhood and the way our families behaved.
If you were raised in a family full of givers, you may not have been taught how to receive. If your parents were in a codependent relationship, perhaps you were not exposed to a healthy, Loving exchange of value in the household. Whatever the case may be, you can now teach yourself through practice how to receive openly and fully with gratitude.
Practice being open to receiving, even with the little things. Especially with the little things. When someone pays you a small compliment, give them your full attention and receive it with genuine gratitude. Give the gift receipt of “thank you.” In this way, now you will both move forward in your day feeling positive and grateful.
Keep practicing your receiving skills, and you will become better at both receiving and giving. Each time you receive with an open-hearted connection of Love, you will have more to give. Through receiving, acknowledging connection, being grateful for it, giving with an open heart, and experiencing other people receive your gifts, this world becomes a better place, and you move ever closer to a life of freedom and fulfillment.
Much Love,
Noel Neu, The Songwriting Therapist™