Venting vs. Complaining

Negative Thoughts and Emotions

No matter how mindful we are, no matter what our self-care looks like, and no matter how “happy” we are, as human beings, we can and will experience negative or challenging thoughts and emotions at times. This is simply a part of our nature. Life is far from perfect, and there are going to be things that irritate us, and rightly so! Before we go any further, let us realize that it is ok to have these negative thoughts and emotions. There is no need to judge yourself for having them. What we’ll be focusing on in this blog is what we do with them when we have them. 

When we have a big, uncomfortable feeling—when we’re upset or concerned about the outcome of something that happened or will happen, we want (and need) to express this feeling to someone we trust. This expression is often called venting. Sometimes, things start to feel a little too hot inside, and we simply need to release some steam and cool down.

There’s nothing wrong with venting; in fact, it can be quite therapeutic. When you practice venting in its highest form, you are expressing your thoughts and feelings with a trusted individual who holds the space for you, and you let go of them. The heat of the emotional state dies down, and the thoughts become less persistent. At that point, you have released the negative energy that was building up.

It’s All About the Flow

Just like air passes through a vent, we let it all go when we’re venting. The problem occurs when the air doesn’t quite flow right. Just like dust and debris can clog up an HVAC return or stick to the vent, our attachment to the negative thoughts and feelings can keep them lingering around, clogging up our emotional channel. This happens when we complain, not entirely letting go of the energy that needs to be released. The negativity gets recirculated and becomes greater and greater in its magnitude the more we allow it to stay within us. It becomes a loop.

When we complain, it may actually start out as venting, and then we keep sharing and sharing more, and we get caught in the negative energy of what we’re upset about. This process doesn’t relieve us—it simply stagnates us in the negative energy and often strengthens the attachment. As we get stuck in complaining, the ruminating thoughts and lingering feelings can contribute to mental illness and thought patterns that really inhibit us from freedom and fulfillment in our lives. 

Complaining really detracts from productive and proactive living, because we get stuck in the negative energy and fight to hold onto the feelings that cause us pain. In complaining, we pull others down with us, and we can become miserable together. Complaint loops are often what keep us, our families, our friends, our communities, and whole countries from progressing and realizing our potential.

While you are complaining, you often need the listener to back you up, to agree (or at least feel similarly), and to validate you and your feelings. If the listener doesn’t do these things, you might get more irritated, maybe even becoming angry with them. When you vent, however, you don’t need any of that. You may appreciate some validation of your being upset, just not of the actual content of the expression. You don’t need anyone to agree, cosign, or enable what you’re saying; you simply need the listener to hold the space. 

Spotting the Difference

Venting is a very important process in our lives. The trouble is that there is a fine line between venting and complaining that can be hard to recognize as you’re crossing it. You may think that you’re venting, and then feel even worse afterward. This would be one of the signs that you were actually complaining. Remember, it’s all about the attachment to the feelings, not the feelings themselves. Having an awareness of this attachment is how you are able to tell whether you’ve crossed “the line.”

So, next time you feel the need to release your negative energy by sharing your experience with a friend or loved one, check in with yourself and make sure you’re really letting go of your feelings and not staying stuck in them. Let go of the need for your listener to back up what you’re saying and mirror your emotional state. Picture the harsh feelings flowing out of you with each word you speak, disappearing into the atmosphere. Allow yourself to move forward without those feelings, having just had a great venting session with someone you hold dear.

Much Love,

Noel Neu, The Songwriting Therapist™