How to Get Out of Regret

Regret vs. Remorse

Do you find yourself sitting with a lot of regret? It’s a common emotion, and it causes a lot of pain for people. The good news is this: you don’t have to carry it around anymore. In this  blog, I’m going to teach you how to shift regret to remorse and, ultimately, how to let it go and set yourself free.

You may be thinking, “aren’t regret and remorse the same thing?” Well, sort of—there is a key difference, though. Regret has a very negative connotation. The word itself makes you feel bad when you think or say it. “I regret that” feels like a weight, as if there’s something holding you back from moving forward in life. Regrets occur when you’ve done something “bad” or you didn’t do something “good” that you could have done, either one resulting in a negative outcome.

Regrets are tied to the word “should.” If you feel like you “should have” or “shouldn’t have” done something, you’re going to have a regret about it. The energy of regret anchors the “should” into a feeling of shame and defeat, a lower sense of self-worth, and sometimes into depression and anxiety. Regret keeps us stuck in a loop and weighed down by shame. 

Guilt is Good!

Remorse, on the other hand, can actually have a positive connotation. It begins with that same “ouch” feeling that we did something wrong or failed to do something right. We feel bad, just like with regret, and in this case, what we feel is a sense of guilt. Guilt may seem like a negative thing to have, but it’s actually quite positive! Without the capacity to feel guilt, there is pathology. Guilt is a healthy human emotion to feel when we’ve done something wrong. 

The shame and self-hatred that we often feel with regret is much different from guilt. Guilt is meant to be a short-term feeling. It motivates us to change for the better. The guilt gives us the opportunity to take responsibility for our action/inaction, and take steps to change it. It is another step on the path forward.

Making Amends

The change that follows guilt is what we call an “amends.” An amends is a two part process: (1) an apology, and (2) a behavioral change. Once we’ve owned the behavior and shifted it, we’ve completed our amends, and we can move forward in life. Whereas we cannot change the past, we can change the present, and the present shifts our future. This is why amends are so powerful—they give us the power to free ourselves from shame, regret, and guilt, and to move forward as more empowered, wiser versions of ourselves. 

Forgiveness (one of the 4 Acts of Love) comes into play here, as we forgive ourselves for our actions/inactions, and we release ourselves from the hold of fear, hurt, and blame. After we have forgiven ourselves, we feel empathy, and we care about what we have or haven’t done and who we may have hurt. The difference is that we no longer feel shameful or regretful—the amends process has released us of those emotions.

Getting Out of Regret

So, when you feel regret, how do you move through it to get out of it? The first step is knowing that you’re in it, in the first place. For some, this will be obvious, but for others, it may be less so. You’ll know you’re feeling regret when you’re “stuck in the past,” feeling bad about yourself, and reacting to what you think you “should” or “shouldn’t have” done. (Remember that “should” is often a key indicator of regret.) When you think about the past and feel shame, you are most likely in regret.

Once you are aware of your regret, it’s time to shift it to remorse. During this process, we recognize and own the emotions that we feel, and then we allow ourselves to feel guilt for the action/inaction in question. We realize the guilt and sit with it for a short while, and then we move into the amends process. This can become more fluid and quicker the more you practice this process. 

It is important not to dwell in guilt. Dwelling in guilt is not much different than living with regrets. We must see guilt for what it is—a practical emotion to help us change our behavior. As we enter the amends process, we either feel or verbalize a sincere apology to whomever we have wronged and take responsibility for whatever we have done. We then make a firm commitment to behave in a more effective way going forward. 

At this point, the regrets and the guilt dissipate, the remorse is relieved, and we are set free. Years of shame can be relieved almost instantly when we make an honest amends. Making your amends is not only a kindness to others; it is also an act of self-love. When you make changes for the better, everyone wins. Especially you!

Much Love,

Noel Neu, The Songwriting Therapist™