Don’t Take It Personally
Do you tend to take things personally? I know I certainly do at times, and I have in the past as well. We’re all capable of taking things to heart and feeling hurt, even when no offense was given or meant to be taken. Sometimes we even do this through implications or inferences that we make about what another person said. I would argue that it’s somewhat of a social norm these days to take things personally and to have a high sensitivity to what people are saying to us, around us, or about us.
This isn’t always a bad thing, having a high sensitivity to what others say and do. It becomes problematic, however, when it begins to form our way of thinking in the world and, thus, how we inform others how to treat us. When we are overly sensitive to things people say to us or about us, we’re in a state of lack—we’re feeling depleted, contracted, and in a state of loss. This energy subconsciously communicates to others to treat us with a similarly low energy, as the law of attraction would dictate.
Toltec Wisdom
The concept of not taking things personally is so important, that it is one of The Four Agreements in the popular book by Don Miguel Ruiz. He derived these agreements from beliefs held by the ancient Toltec people, which goes to show just how relevant this concept of “taking things personally” has been throughout human history. It is indeed part of our nature. As he explains, we all live in our own “dreams,” or state of mind in how we act and interact with others in this world. When we take something that someone says personally, we are reaching outside our own dream and into theirs, and is akin to eating their poison if what they are doing is malevolent in nature towards us.
Now, it’s important to understand that in not taking things personally, we do not ignore or disregard them—in fact, it could be detrimental to do so. We can still take in information objectively and be aware of our environment, while learning to be emotionally detached from the things that are said. In this way, we are not simply blissfully unaware; we are both present and unaffected personally.
Take a Closer Look
As we examine more closely the instances in which we are taking things personally, we generally find that this happens when there is some level of truth to the words being said. Whether the words spoken are touching on a level of fear or insecurity we carry from our childhood and hide from the world, or they are about something more obvious that we dislike or feel shameful about, the more we perceive the words as having truth in them, the more we may feel offended, or take them personally.
In the same way, when things said are not true, they tend not to bother us because we don’t feel like the words really apply. It is when resistance comes in (when we’re trying to run from the “truth” being spoken, whether it’s actually true or not) that we feel the “offense” at a personal level. Whether the intention is there to offend or not, the perceived truth in the words spoken or actions taken is what has us feeling personally attacked, insulted, and “less than” in the moment.
What I recommend is that the next time you start to feel like you’re taking something personally or getting offended by another person, ask yourself if there is anything actually true about what the other person is doing or saying. If the answer is no, this is good news—you can disregard whatever energy is being given off, as it has no factual basis.
If you do sense that there is truth, it’s time to dig a bit deeper and look at what feels true about it and why it might actually be true, and then why you do not like it. Once you do that, you can then more adeptly focus on shifting whatever it is that you are feeling badly about. You can either do this first through the act of acceptance or by making a plan and taking action to change whatever this may be. In either case, you have turned a losing proposition of taking offense into an opportunity for growth. You may even thank the person or people for pointing the situation out, which usually disarms any negative energy or intent they may have had toward you in the first place.
In making these shifts, we get out of a perpetual defensive mode, and we can simply rest in our authentic selves. More and more in our society, whether it be with political groups or other polarizing topics, we are increasingly surrounded with an energy of “attack and defend,” which ultimately shuts down meaningful conversation. When we are caught up in this type of energy, we become controlled by fear-based thoughts. It is an easy thing to fall prey to.
A Lifelong Practice
We must remember that we all have a choice in this. We can always change the channel, turn the phone off, excuse ourselves from a conversation, or simply allow ourselves to feel the heat of the words sent our way and ask ourselves if there’s any truth to them. Once again, if there is truth to it, we can then look at what we can change and accept what we cannot. And if there is nothing true about it, we can release attachment and move forward.
Give this a try and let me know how it works for you. Just like anything, this is not something you can practice one time and master. I am still doing it in my own life, sometimes on a daily basis. The more we practice techniques like this one, the easier it is to get out of fear and into a Loving energy of connection. I am confident that you will find situations that you previously would have been offended by and instead be able to turn them into opportunities for growth. Just like brushing your teeth or exercising, techniques like this one are a lifelong practice.
Much Love,
Noel Neu, The Songwriting Therapist™