Don’t Say It Mean

Communication is truly essential in relationships of all kinds. But it’s not just what we say, it’s the alignment of the words with our thoughts and actions, and it’s the way we say them.

There is a phrase I heard many years ago about communication that I still teach my clients to this day. Most of you will have heard the first two parts, but the third part may be new for you:

“Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don’t say it mean.”

Wow, there’s so much there in that catchy little 3-part phrase. Let’s break it down:

Say What You Mean

The key here is honesty. When you “say what you mean,” you are coming from a deep level of honesty. The depth of honesty is important to the listener because, when they are able to sense that it comes from an authentic place, they become much more open to receiving it. Communication falls flat when a listener senses ulterior motives, deceptive tones, or words that they believe are untrue.

As the popular saying goes, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”. More effectively, it can be, “if you don’t have anything true to say, don’t say anything at all.” Following that wisdom just might get us a lot further in connecting with each other in our society.

Mean What You Say

The second key is integrity. When you “mean what you say,” you are in alignment with your thoughts, words, and actions. People with integrity are the ones that we trust, that we look up to, and that we respect. They are the ones who can be relied upon to follow through on their commitments. 

Without such a connection between words and behavior, our words become no more than “hot air”, a “big hat and no cattle”, or “all talk”. In short, words without integrity are fraudulent. To ascend to our highest selves and pursue our gifts with honest ambition, we must stand behind what we say and follow through with honorable, right action.

Don’t Say It Mean

The third, and often overlooked, key in this phrase is compassion. When you “don’t say it mean,” you are practicing compassionate communication. Not only are you not being mean to the other person, you are also not being mean to yourself. Negative energy affects you just as much if not more than the person you are directing it toward. Additionally, people who project negative energy on others often come to a place of remorse and regret later on for the unfair way they treated those people.

When we go forth in our communication with a positive energy and intent, we can rest assured that we are engaging with others in a compassionate way. Instead of trying to attack or defend, we simply communicate our message with positive intent, a sense of no harm given. This framework can really make a difference when we need to hold someone accountable, stand up for ourselves, or bring a message to a group of people who aren’t open to hearing it.

Communication can be scary sometimes, and it can certainly be difficult. What makes it easier is when we know that we are approaching it through a positive lens. Applying this third key can be truly life-changing, as the communication is often much better received, and it is released with less stress. 

We ultimately cannot control how people react to what we are saying, but we can optimize the potential for positive reception when we speak our words with positive intent. People may still be hurt or take offense, but when we know that no offense was meant or given from our end, our conscience is clear and open. Simply put, sometimes the truth hurts. However, as long as our side of the street is clean, we are able to present our truth, and we can accept whatever way the other person responds as their position and let it go.

Breaking the Denial of Truth

The reason why the truth hurts is that it pushes up against and breaks through denial. When we break through denial, the protection of fantasy or non-reality is exposed. This causes a person who receives this communication to walk through pain and/or fear, and they may not be ready or emotionally able to do that just yet. If this is the case, other defense mechanisms are triggered, and negative emotions may be projected onto you. This is not personal; it is just their ego trying everything it can to protect itself from the “harsh reality” of life experiences.

If, however, a person is ready to move past denial and walk through the pain to do so, freedom awaits them on the other side. It is not your responsibility to push someone through this, but as an honest person with integrity, it is your responsibility to communicate truth in a compassionate way. In doing so, you are treating yourself with dignity and respect, and you are treating others with the same.

When you follow this framework, you are going to be a purveyor of truth. When the other person receives truth, they are granted the opportunity to break through their own denial and thrive in a sense of freedom and fulfillment. Whenever you’re challenged with something you need to get off your chest (you don’t want to share it but you know you need to), remember this three-part phrase, and use the three keys to effective communication: honesty, integrity, and compassion.

Much Love,

Noel Neu