The Foundation of Trust
The Trust Formula
It is important that we are able both to trust and to be trusted to feel safe in this world. Without being able to trust others (or ourselves), or without being trusted by other people, we are left feeling insecure and emotionally unsafe. The way I like to explain the trust concept to people is through a formula that came to me:
Trust = (Honesty with Self + Honesty with Another) x2
Let’s take a closer look at this formula:
Honesty with Self
Honesty starts with self. In order to even be able to share honestly with another person, we need to start with being genuinely honest with ourselves. This means breaking through denial, setting aside other defense mechanisms and distractions, and allowing the truth to resonate.
Honesty with Another
Once we have established honesty with ourselves, we can move forward to the next step in sharing that honesty with another person in a relationship. In being honest with another person, we are completing one side of the trust exchange.
x2
Trust cannot be reliably built from one side alone. If trust is not reciprocated from the other individual, there is a need to set a boundary with that person; otherwise, it can slip into codependency. As I mentioned earlier, it is necessary both to trust and to be trusted in order to feel emotionally safe and secure in a relationship. For this reason, we multiply the formula by a factor of 2: once for you, and once for the other person in the relationship. This creates an environment of emotional safety.
The Origin of Self-Trust
Our own sense of self-trust is developed in the critical period of childhood. Children need to be trusted in order to establish a grounded sense of trust with themselves. This sometimes confuses people. You may wonder, “how can children be trusted when they don’t have enough life experience to make decisions?” This is a good question.
The answer is that children should not be trusted right away with “what to do”, but rather be trusted with knowing “who they are”. We need to trust our children that they fundamentally know who they are as individuals. A child is birthed from the womb with an authentic sense of self; they do not doubt who they are, and It is only when others make them question their own sense of self that they begin to develop self-trust issues.
As I said, it is often not reasonable or even possible to trust children with knowing what or how to do things without being taught, but what we can and need to trust them with is to do things as their authentic selves. We need to trust them that they know who they are and that they can act authentically as their true selves. When we push roles and identities on them that do not fit naturally with their personality, it can cause not only distress for the child, but it opens the door for future trust issues. When we trust our children to know who they are, we allow them to be confident in themselves, and, ultimately, to reinforce self-trust.
Rebuilding Self-Trust
As you may have experienced yourself, many of us develop self-trust issues throughout our childhood from interactions with adults. Having trust issues with oneself is very common in my experience, and I have developed a meditation to help affirmatively build back the trust that was broken with self.
It begins with a few nice, deep breaths in and out, and then saying the words:\
“I trust you, (insert your name)”
Repeat this for a total of 3-5 times with a deep breath in between each. If you want to take it to an even higher level, practice this in front of a mirror. Next, we say the following phrase in the same fashion:
“I trust me”
Once you have said each phrase 3-5 times, you may feel a sense of relief or empowerment. Take note of this feeling, as you will build on it each time you do this meditation. The affirmative power within the meditation will take hold and connect back with your native sense of trust that you had from birth. Try this exercise and repeat it as often as you like. If you know that you struggle with trusting yourself, I recommend doing it at least once daily until you feel a shift, and then at least once a week for maintenance.
The Intimacy Formula
Intimacy is an even deeper level of the trust concept. Built on a foundation of two-way trust in a relationship, people reach intimacy when they are open and honest with how they feel. This is an incredibly raw and vulnerable thing to do as a human. As such, I like to think of intimacy as vulnerability shared.
I also like to think of intimacy as Trust2 (trust squared), because it often feels exponentially more difficult to trust people with one’s emotional state than simply sharing facts or opinions. Our emotions are often deeply guarded as a protective measure of the ego.
Freedom and Fulfillment in a Relationship
When we reach levels of trust, and then of (emotional) intimacy with a loved one, partner, friend, or any other individual, we have the foundation for freedom and fulfillment in a relationship. With deep trust in another, one can feel emotionally secure and free to express themselves authentically. When we are able to express ourselves fully and freely in relationships, they become much more fulfilling, and they are able to provide more value to both parties.
I invite you to think about the relationships you have with others and ask yourself if you have a mutual two-way trust with them. If there is only trust coming from you, you may need to reassess the boundaries of the relationship. If there is trust coming from their side but not from yours, I encourage you to go through the trust meditation exercise above.
Much Love,
Noel Neu