4 Questions for Healthy Communication
In any relationship, one of the key ingredients to success is found in communication. Healthy communication builds strong relationships, while poor communication can often lead us to ending these connections.
Through working with many couples over the years, I discovered four questions that help to address communication challenges in relationships. The strategy can be applied to any relationship, whether it be with coworkers, family members, friends, or significant others. However, for this blog, I want to specifically focus on how it can help improve communication with your significant other.
These questions are not for your partner—they are for you to ask yourself whenever the two of you find yourself in conflict. Perhaps your partner is not listening to you, or you cannot seem to connect with them and understand where they are coming from. Maybe you feel like you are both getting defensive and then attacking each other. When this happens, it is time to create some space for yourself to make a shift.
As the old saying goes, “If nothing changes, nothing changes.” If you are expecting your partner to change without making any changes yourself, the conflict will not resolve and the relationship will not improve. Instead, it is important to take responsibility for your own communication style and strive to improve it over time. As Gandhi said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” By doing so, your partner will likely follow suit.
The 4 Questions
Here are the four questions to ask yourself to unblock any communication challenge:
What is keeping me from responding in this moment with presence and openness?
Why am I getting upset in this moment?
How can I take care of myself in this moment?
When can I hold space for my partner and listen?
What is keeping me from responding in this moment with presence and openness? The first question is about identifying any blocks that may be holding you back from being vulnerable and mindful with our partners. Some common blocks may include your own discontent with yourself or your attachment to expectations you have of your partner.
Why am I getting upset in this moment? The second question is about getting to the root cause of your difficult and challenging emotions. It could be that you were triggered by something your partner said or because you fear losing something, feeling rejected, or feeling abandoned. By identifying the root cause, you can begin to address the underlying issue.
How can I take care of myself in this moment? The third question is about figuring out how you can support yourself through the conflict. This may involve setting boundaries if your partner is being abusive or demeaning, or simply taking a moment to collect yourself before responding.
When can I hold space for my partner and listen? The fourth question is about determining when you can set aside time to really understand your partner and their perspective. It is important to set a time limit for yourself, such as within the next 24 hours, so that you do not feel pressured to respond immediately and yet you resolve the conflict while it is still fresh.
A Two-Way Street
By asking yourself these four questions, you can begin to unblock communication challenges with your partner. Once you have addressed your own communication style, it is important to encourage your partner to do the same. This is a two-way street, and both partners must be willing to make changes in order to improve the communication and the relationship as a whole.
These questions are not a cure-all for every relationship challenge, but they can be a useful tool for addressing the day-to-day communication breakdowns that may occur. Try answering them honestly next time you are in conflict with your partner and see if it helps to shift the dynamic in your relationship.
Much Love,
Noel Neu, The Songwriting Therapist™